


For better for worse

by asamandra



Category: Marvel, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Clint allows his body to be used on a mission, M/M, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Prompt Fill, avengerkink, suffers PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-21
Updated: 2015-01-21
Packaged: 2018-03-08 13:28:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3210833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asamandra/pseuds/asamandra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On a mission, Clint makes an conscious decision to let a man have sex with him in order to complete the mission successfully. But when he can't handle this on his own he asks for help...</p>
            </blockquote>





	For better for worse

**Author's Note:**

> This prompt on avengerkink: [Clint/Coulson - noncon Clint allows his body to be used on a mission, suffers PTSD, asks for help](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/19994.html?thread=48300314#t48300314)
> 
> On a mission, Clint makes an conscious decision to let a man have sex with him in order to complete the mission successfully. Clint feels that he's exhausted all his options, he's at the end of the road and if he wants to prevent [insert terrible international consequence here], then he will give up his body just for the night.
> 
> It's only a few hours. And it's what the bad guy wants.
> 
> Clint successfully completes the mission, all is well, the world isn't on the edge of war and returns back to life. But Clint is haunted by 1) "willingly" giving up his body, 2) had orgasms, 3) feeling violated and all this occurred while Clint felt like there was no other option. Clint was backed into a corner and now he is drowning.
> 
> While on his break, Clint acknowledges to himself that he can't handle this on his own and goes and finds Coulson in the office for help (as opposed to asking Phil at home). He gives no explanation when he pleas for Agent Coulson to set up meetings with a psychiatrist.
> 
> After a few sessions, psych informs Clint that they have no choice but to tell his handler that noncon occurred on this mission as Clint is starting to feel pressured into going back to work and using his body in that way again. Clint is very reluctant because Coulson is also his lover. Clint doesn't want anything to change in their private lives but he knows Coulson will change the way he interacts with Clint at home. Also, it's not like Clint has never slept with the enemy. It's just that THIS time, it is affecting him.

“Well, Agent Barton,” George Stobbard smirked mockingly down at him – he was taller by a head – and Clint gritted his teeth but stayed still. “as it seems, you're out of options.” He stood in Stobbard's villa, in the huge living room. He had managed to outmaneuver all his security guards but when he tried to get into his system Stobbard had found him. 

“Yeah? I can still shoot you,” he pressed through his teeth but let his hand where they were, hanging at his side, his bow folded in his quiver and the gun in its holster. 

“Yes, you can do that. But we both know that you wouldn't dare it, right?” He smirked again and Clint folded his hands over his chest.

“Fine. What do you want?” He snarled and glared at the man. Luckily his looks couldn't kill or Stobbard would've burst to ash in an instant. The older man's grin broadened and he let one finger trail over Clint's left bicep. 

“You can't shoot me because you need what I have in my head. You can't get it out of my computer because I'm the only one who knows the password. You can torture me to get it, but you know, I have a high pain tolerance and you can't get it out of me in time. You can give me drugs but then you can't be sure that I can tell you what you want. There's only one way to get this information. I give it to you.” Stobbard counted on his fingers and circled Clint, a little bit too close for his peace of mind. When his hand _accidentally_ brushed Clint's ass he had to concentrate to not turn around and knock out his teeth. 

“And of course you wouldn't do that, right?” Clint looked him in the eyes. Stobbard smiled again and shook his head.

“No, Agent Barton. I give it to you. In time. But there's something I want in exchange.” He stopped in front of Clint and made a step in his direction. He was close, very, very close. Too close but Clint still didn't move, just glared at the older man.

“Again, Stobbard. What do you want?” 

Stobbard moved his hand, poked his index finger in Clint's chest. “You.” 

“What?” Clint blurted out and made a step back. 

“I want you,” the older man repeated. He moved his hand, looked at his watch and pursed his lips. “As I see it you need the information in twenty-two hours. You need six hours to fly back, you need about four hours to analyze and use the data. That gives us twelve hours. But I'm generous. If you give yourself to me, willingly, for the next ten hours, you get what you need. If you disagree then... well... then we'll see lots and lots of people die. That's the deal. Take it or leave it.” 

“Why? That doesn't make sense, Stobbard,” Clint tried to talk some sense into the other man. “You can't possibly want...” 

The older man raised his hand and interrupted Clint.

“You want the information, you agree to my conditions.” 

“But why? And why me?” Clint tried again. Stobbard's smile broadened. 

“You are a good-looking man, Agent Barton... Clint,” he touched his waist and Clint let him. “I've wanted you for some time now, since I met you last year at the Maria Stark Foundation fundraiser gala to be exactly. I know that this is possibly my only chance. You give yourself to me and you can save all those people.” 

Clint stared at him for a long moment. He knew that Stobbard knew that he would do it. So many lives and only Stobbard's codes could stop the tsunami generator AIM had installed to destroy the East Coast. When Stobbard's smile became lecherous he swallowed and nodded.

“Fine. Okay. Ten hours. Not one minute more.” 

“Follow me,” Stobbard turned around and walked away. Clint closed his eyes for a second and swallowed. He knew it was the only way and it wasn't the first time he had to use his body to get what he needed. Okay, it was the first time he was in a committed relationship when he had to do it but in this case it was the only way. Phil would understand. “Barton!” Stobbard's voice brought him back and he nodded again, forced his feet to move and he followed the other man, followed him into his bedroom. 

_I'm sorry, Phil,_ he thought when Stobbard commanded him to strip. And when he grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head, the older man closed the door behind him.

 

 

Phil would never admit how nervous he was but he knew that his pacing gave it away. But right now he couldn't care less, too much was on stake. He walked up and down in the back of the control room since Clint had called and told him that he had the data they needed. His head snapped up when the door opened and finally the archer entered Stark Tower's control room. He nodded in Phil's direction but then he went straight to Dr. Banner and gave him an USB flash drive. 

Banner didn't waste any time and shoved it into USB port and started to run the analyzer. Clint had checked it for viruses or malware on the flight. It was clean.

“That's it,” Banner turned to Clint, nodded and smiled.

“Good work, Agent,” Phil said and he could see a tiny twitch of a muscle on his chin because he knew him as good as he knew himself. 

“Thanks, sir,” Clint murmured and flopped down on an empty chair beside the door. Captain Rogers, who had looked over Banner's shoulder the whole time, could finally relax. He came over and patted Clint's shoulder on his way out of the control room. “Good job,” he said as well and Clint nodded again. 

He seemed tired. Phil went over to Clint when he saw Banner typing on his keyboard and staring at the screen. He couldn't help them, now it was Banner's and Stark's _show_ to shut down the generator.

“Are you okay?” he quietly asked and hunkered down in front of Clint. 

“Tired,” the younger man murmured and wiped a hand over his face. The door to the control room opened again and Captain Rogers came back, a mug of coffee in his hand and without a comment he handed it to Clint and went back to Dr. Banner. Thankfully Clint took a long sip and leaned back. 

“We can do the debriefing tomorrow if...” Phil started quietly but Clint shook his head.

“No. I guess they need a little more time, right?” Clint asked.

“A few hours,” Bruce answered absentmindedly.

“If it's okay I'll take a nap and when Stark is back I'll be fit for the debriefing.” 

Phil scrutinized him for a long moment but then he smiled and nodded. “Of course.” He looked over his shoulder but then he cupped Clint's cheek for a second before the younger man rose. 

“Wake me up, will you?” Clint asked and Phil nodded, once, brief. When he left Phil stared at the door to the control room for a few more seconds. But then Captain Rogers called him and he went over to him and Banner to check if the Doctor and Stark could shut down the generator in time. 

The nagging feeling that something was odd with Clint stayed, though. 

 

 

“Good job, birdie,” Stark closed up to him when all of them were on their way out of the conference room. “We couldn't have shut the generator down without these data.” He raised his hand to pat Clint's shoulder but the moment he touched him Clint flinched. It was just a tiny lapse and luckily Stark didn't notice it. 

“That's my job,” Clint finally smiled and Stark's grin broadened. 

“But you allowed yourself plenty of time to get them. Went for a little sightseeing around the town?” Stark chuckled and held the door for Clint to go through. He hesitated for a split second. He didn't like someone behind himself, even if it was Stark, a team mate and friend. 

Clint forced a smile onto his face. “Ah, you know. I went for a coffee and to the movies and then I took a nap...” 

Tony laughed and patted his shoulder again. “Good job,” he repeated and then he stopped. “You never told us how you convinced Stobbard to give you the data.” 

“Because of my winning manner,” Clint smirked even if he had to force it.

“Yeah, sure.” He grinned and followed Clint. When they both stepped into the elevator Clint pressed the button for the range and Tony frowned. “Uhm, Barton? We wanted to celebrate, remember?” 

“Ah, sorry, Tony. I... I need to destress.” 

“But Agent will be there,” Tony winked and Clint smiled, this time he didn't have to force it. 

“I know. But... I'll come later on, okay?” The elevator stopped and Tony nodded, his head cocked.

“Sure. Whatever floats your boat. But don't complain when all the good booze is gone,” he grinned, pressed another button and the doors closed. Clint stared at them for a moment and then he sighed. He needed to be alone, at least for a few hours. Phil would understand. 

 

 

Phil woke when he heard a whimper beside him. 

“No... please... don't...” Clint mumbled and twisted his head in his sleep, struggled with his feet against the blankets. 

“Shh,” Phil carefully touched his shoulder, “Shh, Clint. You're at home, you're safe,” he murmured quietly and shook him gently to wake him out of his nightmare.

“No... don't...” he whimpered again with a pained expression on his face.

“Clint, baby, come on, wake up,” he said again and this time it worked. Clint woke with a start, he gasped for air. Phil removed his hands immediately, he knew that Clint couldn't stand to be touched when he woke like that. 

“You had a nightmare,” he said and the younger man looked at him, nodded slowly and wiped his eyes with his hand. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

“Nothing to be sorry for. You want to talk about it?” He asked and Clint shook his head again. 

“No. Just the usual stuff, you know.” 

Phil looked at him for a very long moment, then he smiled, cupped his face and placed a small kiss onto the corner of his mouth. Sometimes Clint wanted to talk about it, sometimes he didn't. He just was angry at all the people who caused those nightmares. 

“Come on, lie down with me,” he said. Clint nodded and then he turned to face Phil, wrapped his arms around him and buried his chin in the crook of Phil's neck. 

“I'm sorry, Phil,” he murmured again and Phil started to stroke his head. 

“It's okay,” he whispered but when he cupped Clint's cheek he felt wetness. Tears? Did he cry? Phil tried to move back to take a closer look but Clint held him and he didn't want to let him go. So Phil only felt for the light switch and turned the lights off. 

“I love you,” Clint said quietly. Phil wrapped his arms around him even tighter, held him and kissed his temple.

“I love you, too.” 

It didn't take too long and Clint drifted back to sleep but he woke a few more times with nightmares and Phil was worried but the younger man only said that lots of old stuff came up and it would be better in a few days. Phil held him, reassured him and stroked him whenever he was awake this night. It wasn't unusual that Clint sometimes had nightmares after missions and he was right. It usually will get better in a few days. 

 

 

It didn't get better. Quite the contrary. Clint couldn't sleep at night and even when he tried to take a nap during the day he woke up, sweating, screaming. This was so fucked up. He still could feel Stobbard's hands on him. It wasn't the first time that he had used his body to accomplish a mission so why was this time so different?

Phil was great, always so supportive and Clint felt like crap. He had cheated on him with Stobbard and he couldn't even tell him. And that Stobbard didn't force himself on him, that he was gentle and considerate, that he made him come a few times that night and that he nevertheless felt so violated, wasn't helpful at all. 

And then, this morning, Hill told him that she needed him for a new mission. 

He swallowed before he knocked at the door to Phil's office.

“Enter,” he heard his voice, all professional. Clint took a deep breath and opened the door. Phil sat behind his desk and looked up as soon as he entered and when he saw him a smile crossed his face.

“Hey, Clint. What...” he started but Clint interrupted him.

“I... I need you as my handler, Agent Coulson,” he said and Phil raised his brow. But after half a second he straightened and _Phil_ vanished and got replaced with _Agent Coulson_. 

“What can I do for you, Agent?” he asked and Clint took another deep breath. 

“I...” he started, interrupted himself and sat down on one of the two chairs in front of the desk, leaned his elbows onto his knees and hung his head for a second. But then he looked up again. “I need an appointment with Dr. Keller.” 

“Clint... Agent, is there something I need to know?” He asked and Clint swallowed. 

“Please, Phil. You trust me, right?” Phil scrutinized him and then he nodded slowly. 

“Yes, I do. I'll make that appointment and I'll ask Maria to pull you off of that mission, okay?” 

“Thanks,” Clint smiled and rose.

“Clint?” Phil stopped him before he could leave the office, “You know that you can talk to me, right?” 

“Of course I know. But this... I have to do it my way, Phil.” He held the doorknob. 

“Dr. Keller will call you about your appointment,” Phil said and Clint turned his head, looked back.

“Thanks, Phil.” He repeated and Phil nodded. 

“But you know...” 

“Yes, I do.” 

 

 

“Agent Barton,” Dr. Keller greeted him with a smile. She rose and came over to him to shake his hand. Her handshake was firm and her smile confident and with a gesture she led him to the armchairs she had in the middle of her office as usual. It was his fourth appointment.

Clint sat down and leaned back.

“How are you, Agent Barton?” She asked and Clint sighed. “You look tired.” 

“I still have nightmares each night and...” he stopped and pressed his lips together. “It's... Phil...” he stopped again. “He tried to kiss me and...” He swallowed. “I couldn't do it.” 

“Why?” Keller asked and Clint snorted.

“What do you think?” 

“You didn't cheat on your husband, we already talked about it, Agent Barton.” Keller put one hand on her chin and scrutinized Clint.

“And why does it feel as if I had?” He threw his hands in the air and slumped back in the chair.

“Did you want to have sex with this man?” Keller asked and Clint snorted.

“No, definitely not. But I agreed to it.” 

“Did you enjoy it?” She asked then and cocked her head.

“I orgasmed a few times,” he told her. He had told her before.

“We both know that it's just a reaction of the body, Agent Barton. That doesn't mean anything. This man forced you to agree,” she leaned forward, her elbows on her knees. 

“I _know_ that. Do you think I don't know that. But it... it doesn't feel like... I don't know...” Clint wiped his hand over his face. “I don't know.” He repeated. And then he looked out of the window for a very long moment. Dr. Keller kept quiet, waited for him to talk again.

“Agent Hill wants me for a mission. She placed it on hold for the last two weeks but now...” 

“You think something like this can happen again,” she stated. Clint licked his lips, took a deep breath but then he nodded. 

“I don't know what I would do? I... I can't... I...” he shook his head and swallowed hard. 

“Agent Barton,” Dr. Keller pinched the bridge of her nose. “I know you don't want that but... I need to inform your handler.”

“You know that my handler is my husband, right?” Clint huffed and Dr. Keller nodded. 

“I can talk to Deputy Director Hill if you prefer but... Agent Barton, you got raped. This is not...”

“No! No, it... it wasn't...” 

“Yes, it was. And I can't let you go on a new mission, Agent. Your handler needs to know that you're not ready.” 

“But my handler is my husband. Don't tell him, please.” 

“I don't have a choice. You know, SHIELD regulations. If it affects your job I need to tell him.” Dr. Keller pinched the bridge of her nose. “The only other option is that I talk to Director Fury or Deputy Director Hill.” 

“What happened to doctor-patient confidentiality?” Clint muttered and Keller sighed.

“As long as it doesn't affect your work. But it does. I can't let you go on that mission. You would endanger yourself and all your team mates.” 

“I don't want him to treat me differently, Dr. Keller,” Clint whispered. “And I know he would. He already does since I've asked for an appointment with you.” He looked up and caught her eyes with his gaze.

“You asked for help, Agent. And that was the right thing to do. But don't you think that your husband wants to know and maybe can help you, too?” She asked and Clint shook his head. 

“What if he leaves me?” 

“Why would he leave you?” Dr. Keller frowned. 

“Because...” 

“You didn't cheat on him, Agent Barton. What happened to you was rape.” 

“You don't understand! I _agreed_ to have sex with him. He gave me a _choice_ and I agreed!” Clint burst out and slammed his hand onto the armrest of the chair. 

“And what would've happened if you'd declined? How many people would've died? This wasn't a real choice. He forced you to agree and he forced you to have sex with him. And that, Agent Barton, is rape.” 

“I know,” he finally whispered, barely audible. “It's just... I feel like I'm drowning. It's... I don't know. Wrong?” 

“Agent Barton, let me help you. I'll talk to your handler. He can take you off of that mission. You need time to recover and your handler – your husband – will understand.” 

“What if he doesn't?” Clint looked at her but she smiled reassuringly at him.

“Do you think he loves you?” She asked instead of an answer.

“Of course he does.” He answered with a slight hint of indignation in his voice.

“And do you trust him?” 

“You know that I do.” Clint murmured quietly.

“Then why don't you have trust in him in this case? I don't think that Agent Coulson will treat you differently than before. But he needs to know to pull you off of this mission. You need time, Agent Barton, time to heal and you need your husband with you to help you.” 

Clint looked out of the window once again and then, after a very long moment, he finally nodded. “Fine,” he murmured. And Dr. Keller smiled again.

 

 

“Agent Coulson,” Dr. Keller greeted Phil with a warm smile and a handshake. She had opened the door to her office herself and now she gestured for him to enter. She led him to two armchairs and Phil sat down on one of them. 

“You've said you need to talk to me about Clint, Agent Barton.” He said and Dr. Keller nodded.

“Yes,” she sighed and leaned back in the other armchair. “I need to talk to you as both, his handler and his husband,” she added and Phil furrowed his brows.

“Okay.” He just said and tried to stay calm. _What was wrong with Clint? He had asked for an appointment with her. He never asks for an appointment with Psych._

“I don't want to beat about the bush, Agent Coulson. On his last mission, the Stobbard-case,” she stopped when he opened his mouth to interrupt her, “Don't worry, he didn't tell me details, he just mentioned the name.” Phil nodded and Dr. Keller continued. “Stobbard raped Agent Barton.” 

“What?” Phil asked, his face turned into a blank mask. 

“To achieve his mission-goals he had to let this man have sex with him. Like I've said, I don't know any details but he said it was the only way or lots of people would've died.”

“That's right. He saved thousands of people,” Phil murmured and Dr. Keller nodded.

“I know about the mission Agent Hill has him designated to, to at to a certain extent. It's an infiltration mission and I can't let him go on that mission.” Phil nodded slowly. “He questions himself, he doesn't sleep well, he has nightmares, in other words, he suffers from PTSD.”

Phil opened his mouth, closed it, and then he cleared his throat. “What can I do?” 

“There's another thing,” Dr. Keller said and Phil pressed his lips together.

“Another thing?” He asked and Dr. Keller nodded.

“Agent Barton believes he cheated on you since he agreed to... well... have sex with Stobbard.” 

“What? But that's bullshit!” Phil blurted. He couldn't hold back his anger any longer. Stobbard, that bastard, had raped Clint and let him believe that he cheated on him, Phil. He felt his fingers twitch and was glad that Stobbard wasn't here right now or he would rip off his head. 

“He believes you would leave him if you know.” Dr. Keller said and this time Phil paled.

“Excuse me,” he said but didn't wait for an answer, just rose from his chair, grabbed his mobile and called Stark Tower. “JARVIS, this is Agent Coulson speaking. Is Agent Barton here?” He asked.

“Yes, sir. He's in your apartment at the moment,” the AI told him.

“Don't let him leave. Do what you have to do, call the team for all I care but don't let him leave. I'll be there in a few minutes,” Phil quit the call and put his phone back into his pocket. “I'm afraid, I have to leave. I'm pretty sure Clint is going to do something really stupid right now.” 

“Do you think he...” Dr. Keller asked and Phil realized what he just had said and what she had to assume.

“What? No. No, he won't harm himself. But since he knows where I am right now and what you just told me I'm pretty sure that he tries to leave before I can kick him out.”

“You wouldn't...” Dr. Keller's brows furrowed when Phil interrupted her again.

“Never! What do you think? But you said that he believes he cheated on me and knowing him, knowing that he still blames himself for what happened, _he_ thinks I would do that.” 

“You two are married for years now. Why would he think that you would leave him?” Dr. Keller asked. Phil snorted.

“Fucked up self-esteem, courtesy of his father, his brother and a few other guys in his life.” 

“But...”

“I'm really sorry, Dr. Keller. But Clint needs me right now. I have to leave immediately.” Phil said again and turned half around. 

“Okay, I understand. But please, call me as soon as possible,” she said and Phil nodded. 

“Of course. And thanks for telling me,” he smiled before he turned to the door and left her office. And as fast as possible he went to the parking garage and to his car. He needed to go to Clint.

 

 

“JARVIS! Open the door now! Or I swear I'll climb out of the window!” Clint yelled at the ceiling when the door finally opened. He turned around but then stopped dead in his tracks. “Phil,” he whispered. 

“Yes, Clint, it's me,” Phil said and looked at him and then at the bag beside the door. “You wanted to leave?” 

Clint swallowed and looked away, his lips pressed together tightly. 

“Clint...” He started again but Clint interrupted him.

“You don't understand, Phil. Whatever Keller told you, it wasn't rape, it was...” He looked away again and Phil saw a tear in one of his eyes. “I agreed to it.” 

Phil made a step in his direction but he stopped when Clint folded his arms over his chest.

“You didn't have a choice,” Phil said softly and Clint wiped away the tear angrily.

“You don't know that! You haven't been there!” He shouted. “He didn't have to hold me down, Phil, I went with him willingly.” 

Phil made another step and tried to reach for Clint's hand. 

“Don't. Don't touch me,” Clint spat but Phil ignored it and took his hand. “Phil, please...” 

“Why do you not want me to touch you?” Phil asked quietly and Clint licked his lips. 

But then he murmured, “Because I'm filthy.” Phil felt a lump in his throat and something in his chest tightened. 

“No, babe, you're not filthy,” he whispered and pulled Clint into his arms. The younger man tried to resist at first but when Phil didn't let go of him and wrapped his arms around him he finally gave in. 

“But I cheated on you,” Clint murmured into the crook of his neck.

“You didn't. Whatever you think happened, Clint, is wrong.” 

Clint laughed bitterly but Phil didn't let go of him. 

“No, babe. Listen to me. You trust me, right?” He asked and Clint moved back an inch and looked at him.

“Of course I do, you know that.” 

“Then tell me what happened,” Phil said and stroked the back of Clint's head. 

“But...” he started again and Phil shushed him with a finger over his lips. 

“It wasn't your fault, Clint. And I will never leave you, okay? Remember? To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part. I've promised, remember?” 

“Yes, I remember,” Clint said and finally put his own arms around Phil. 

“Come on,” Phil said and moved him to the nearest couch and sat him down. “Please tell me what happened.” 

“He gave me a choice, Phil. I could decide whether or not to have sex with him. And don't tell me it wasn't a real choice. Because it was,” Clint said.

“Yes, you could've refused. And then? What do you think would have happened then?” Phil asked. 

“I know. But...” Clint looked away for a second. And then he murmured barely audible. “But I enjoyed it.” 

Phil was taken aback. He cocked his head and furrowed his brows.

“I orgasmed, Phil. More than once. He was...” Clint swallowed before he continued. “He was the second best lover I've ever had. He was gentle and considerate. It... it wasn't rape, Phil. It was...” 

Phil shushed him again with a finger over his lips. 

“One question. Did you want to have sex with him?” He asked and Clint shook his head immediately. 

“No! Not at all!” 

“So, you agree with me that it wasn't consensual, right? You didn't want it, right?” 

“That's... that's true,” Clint admitted. 

“When it wasn't consensual, then it was, by definition, non-consensual. And that means rape. It doesn't matter how... how _gentle_ ,” Phil nearly stumbled over this word, “how gentle he'd been. And by the way, he used the lives of thousands of people to force you to agree.” 

“Phil, I...”

“Honestly, Clint. Would you have slept with him if not to save those people?” 

“Never.” 

“See?” 

“Phil, I... I don't know... I...” Clint started but had no idea how to continue.

“Don't, babe.” Phil stroked Clint's cheek and he felt wetness, tears. 

“I'm sorry,” Clint mumbled and Phil knew what he meant. 

“Why didn't you talk to me?” He asked. “You know that you could've talked to me. I mean, I really glad that you've asked for help but... you could've talked to me.” 

“I didn't want you to treat me differently, as if I'm weak.” He murmured.

“Oh god, Clint,” Phil said and turned to look at Clint, placed both his hands onto his cheeks. “I'm your handler. I have unlimited access to your file and your medical record. I _know_ it happened to you before. Did I ever treat you like anything but the beautiful, strong man that you are?”

“You... you knew? About everything? All the time?” Clint paled.

“About everything that happened since you are with SHIELD and...” Phil stopped for a second, “... and before. Your mentor from the circus. I know about him, too.” 

“You never said anything,” Clint swallowed and licked his lips nervously. “You never...” 

“... treated you like a victim?” He asked and Clint nodded. “Why would I?” 

“Everyone does when they know,” Clint said and Phil stroked Clint's cheek again. 

“I'm not everyone.” Another tear ran along Clint's face.

“Phil...” Clint sobbed and Phil put his arms around him and stroked his back. 

“I love you, babe. And I'm here to support you, whatever you decide. If you want my help, I'll help you, if you want me to stay back, I'll do that. But please, Clint, don't shut me out of your life.”  
Clint looked at him for a long moment and then he nodded. 

“Phil,” he whispered and wrapped his arms around Phil's waist, buried his face into the crook of his neck. “Phil, please... can you help me? To cope with this shit?”

“Of course, my love.” Phil kissed Clint's temple. “We can do this. Together we can manage this, Clint. Whatever it takes, together we can manage this.” 

“Thanks, Phil,” Clint murmured. He moved to look at him and then he kissed him. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> [asamandra on tumblr](http://asamandra.tumblr.com/)


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